His and Hers

His and Hers


His Perspective...

...I'm afraid of her.

She comes around when I least expect it, slipping through the darkness like a spy, utterly soundless. Once she makes her way into the light, you can see her long red tresses flowing behind her, and fear wells up in my throat at that first glimpse of her. She subtly turns around, her watchful, doll-like eyes scanning the room. She's searching for me. I feel stalked. This isn't the first time, and I know it won't be the last.

What the hell does she want from me? I can't give her the love she desperately craves, I'm not capable of it. I never have been. My tainted heart shriveled up and died long ago. I don't even remember what it feels like to love. I tried so hard to forget. I can't talk to her...it would only lead her on, give her false hope for a relationship that will never be. Anyway, she's always so quiet. In person, she doesn't bother me much, doesn't say much, and when she does, I never have a good answer for her. She seems to erase every ounce of my wit, my sanity. She's silent most of the time, and still, her gaze is so powerful that I feel smothered by her. Her eyes swallow me whole. Her presence alone makes my entire body ache in the most terrible way. She may look like a rose, but she's nothing but a thorn in my side. I wish she'd just disappear. I don't need this, I've never needed this.

She's too nice to me, for no reason at all. I've never once been "nice" to her. I gave her a hug that one Christmas, and then I walked away, fully regretting it. She's so young, she has so much to learn. How could she ever consider that'd I'd actually give her a chance? There's no way. It's not that she's not beautiful in her own way...statuesque and captivating, pale-skinned, with a sweet, innocent disposition. She deserves much better than what I could give her...I can't give her anything, not even the time of day. I'm not that kind of person. I admit it, I thrive on hate. I loathe just about everything and everyone, and then this girl comes along, and she stands out from every other juvenile teenage girl that's ever had a crush on me, and a small part of me, a very miniscule fragment, sometimes believes that she might really love me...I don't believe in love. I don't believe in friendship. I only want my solitude, some peace.

Pretty girl, leave me be.



Her Perspective...

Oh, I really shouldn't have come here. I should just turn around and walk out, he'll never know I was ever here. I promised myself that I'd give him space, that'd I'd leave him alone. I resent myself for being so obvious, for not having the self-control I thought I was capable of. Damn it. I don't know why I continue to do this to myself, this is a hopeless case. A one-sided attraction, what a joke. Why am I trying? Oh, shit...there he is, his jet black hair casting shadows on my soul and his ghostly skin illuminating in the small glares of light. Act natural. Act like you don't notice, even though your heart is pounding faster than the flight of a dozen hummingbirds.

He must think I'm so immature, coming around like this, but I'm not like those other girls. I'm not superficial, this isn't about looks...even though his beautiful blue eyes are deadly, their poison coursing through my veins with every tiny glance he allows himself to give me. He assumes I don't know him, but I know more than I should, and I'm in love with every single detail about him, even his flaws. I wonder how much strength it takes for him to walk right past me fifty times in one night, as if I didn't exist, even though I know he knows I'm there. What did I ever do that was so wrong? I tried to be nice, while being mysterious, and I was hoping to keep my feelings a secret...I didn't mean for it to turn out so lousy, so ugly, so misunderstood. He thinks I'm a stalker, some silly little fangirl, and it's not like that. I don't follow him around like a lost puppy. All I did was attempt to let him know that someone truly cares about him, with no strings attatched...and he didn't see it the way I'd hoped.

No matter how much he shuns me, I still can't help but think that there's a part of himself that he keeps hidden from the world--a part that's kind, that wants to be loved, but fears the consequences. He has such a hard exterior, but I can read people, and I see past his mask. This entire time, I was waiting for a breaking point--a breaking point where I might find that last piece of evidence and solve his jigsaw puzzle of a heart, a breaking point where he might realize that I HAVE figured him out, that I'm not like all the rest, that I actually care, that I want nothing from him but acknowledgement and understanding...but it'll never happen. He's consumed by his own cruel, black world that he's built for himself and he's too stubborn to let any light in.

I'm the light, the sunshine, and he is the vampire...

This will never work.



(Originally posted on December 9, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

If Only

If Only

If you gazed into my eyes,
could you stare at them forever?
Getting lost in one another,
hazel burning into amber...
this is what we were meant for.

If only...

If we ever touched, do you think it'd feel like fire?
Skin tingling beneath every move of our hands,
our blushing cheeks hidden by the shadows,
the darkness of the room bringing us closer.
We are magnets.

If only...

If we ever kissed,
would our lips melt together?
Fused together from the heat of passion.
Your hands in my hair, we're breathless
from tasting true nirvana.
The heat, so strong...but not as intense
as the pounding of our young hearts.

If only...

If we were one,
would we drift away to paradise,
something we've always wished for (sliently)?
Or drift apart, like the distance between us?

Dreams of you flutter in and out of sight,
as I toss and turn all through the night.
Being with you would make everything right,
in a life filled with so much wrong...
and there's no way to end this song,
other than the fact, that I don't belong,
on this Earth without your hand in mine.

If only, my dear...if only.



(Originally posted on July 10, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that I ever spotted you in the room.
My fifteen-year-old heart couldn't handle the electric shock
of seeing a beauty too bright to behold.
You were glowing with the life I longed to be a part of,
your aura running amok and mixing with mine.
Filled with mystery, it was love at first sight,
overflowing with emotions, that I couldn't fight.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that I ever took you by surprise,
that I ever frightened you, annoyed you,
that I ever tried to make you happy, anonymously.
I'd take it all back, if you'd let me.
I'd take it all back, with every fiber of my being.
I'd take it all back, in the skip of a heartbeat...
the way mine skips swiftly at the sight of you.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that I remember every word you've ever said,
every key you've ever played,
all the times I've ever made you laugh (just twice),
all the times we've ever embraced (you silently hated them all),
but how could I ever forget these little things,
that have made you all the more special to me?

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that you're etched in my memory...
a work of art I can't erase,
a broken record I can't escape.
Your expressions, your mannerisms,
spliced together like an old home movie,
playing over and over again in my dreams.
Your eyes...they haunt me like ghosts.
Oh, if I can't have them for my own to stare into,
like my own personal ocean,
I beg you to take them away.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that we have so much in common,
that I'm everywhere you are,
that it's all a coincidence,
that I can't become invisible,
that I even exist at all.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that I'm so insignificant,
that I'd never be good enough,
that I could never fit into your world...
the dark space you've created,
with a clique so tight,
that even my glances at your precious face
are somehow forbidden.
Lost in a lonely purgatory,
I'm suffering from an inevitable age gap,
and you've always been taboo.
Curiousity has killed this cat,
and my nine lives are up.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
when I make you nervous,
when I make you sweat.
You felt hot beneath my hands
that last time we were forced to touch...
and I knew it was because of me.
It hurt me to realize that being close to me,
was a painful task for you.
You'd make a terrible Romeo.

I'm sorry, so sorry,
that I yearn for you this way,
that I care for you this way,
that my heart cries for you this way,
that I'm the only one that would die for you,
if in return, you'd receive eternal happiness.

I'm sorry...so very sorry.



(Originally posted on June 25, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

Unwelcome Devotion

Unwelcome Devotion

Seeing you...
leaning against the wall, waiting...
What were you waiting for?
Excitement itching beneath my skin
,sadness aching in my bones,
wondering whether or not I should walk through that door.

You have me questioning myself over and over.

We've crossed paths one too many times,
most being unintentional.
Are you thinking it's just an unlucky coincidence,
while I'm thinking it's a lovely stroke of fate?

I decide to come in, breathless,
my face hot from shame.
But I just can't help myself,
your blue eyes are to blame.

You greeted me, and that's all.
That's all I needed.
That's all I needed to make me sick,
stomach churning,
learning that you're the only one,
that will ever make me feel this way.

Black-clad, pale and hiding,
you know how I feel.
You wish I would go away,
but why...why should I run?

I've been as strong as steel,
I'VE been the one waiting,
waiting to age, waiting to mature,
and to see you so nonchalant,
leaning, waiting for me to come in,
like so many times before,
teasing me,
makes me want to die.

I knew the rules before, but I'm older now.
Does it matter? Does it even make a difference?

You can never imagine the pain,
the torment I've carried with me inside.
A feeling resembling a love so deep,
a heavy weight of guilt I could never confide.

How can I love someone who loathes me,
who's hoping I will disappear?
You intimidate me so, to the point where I shrink,
but at the end of the day, it's me that you fear.

Briefly peeking from behind blue-rims,
you avoid my gaze like a child in trouble.
I silently adored you even with dirt under your nails,
plain-faced and working,
something I should have never even noticed.

What am I to do, with a man like you?
You're stubborn to all emotion.
But your dark heart can never keep me away,
such an unwelcome devotion.


(Originally posted on June 23, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

Screwed

Screwed

the harsh wind whipped at my face,
as the smell of the city filled my senses,
and lights whirred past like shooting stars...
but the speed of air and light were not enough,
to drown out the memory of you pulsing through me.

if i could go back in time,
could i change your mind?
if you took a moment to listen,
(listen to me, for once),
if i took your hand in mine,
and told you how much i've lived,
and loved, and grieved for you,
how i would do anything for you,
would it even matter?
would it have ever mattered?

maybe it would have, if i were blonde.
maybe it would have, if i were tan.
maybe it would have, if i were thin.
maybe it would have, if i were something you desired
,other than a dark beauty of which you can't relate,
and i'd hate to say this, but,
you were a coward...
and you feared love.

i feel sorry for your soul,
for it will never survive your judgments.



(Originally posted on June 6, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

Ride

Ride

Give me that moment back,
my face buried in your chest.
Strong scented and pounding heart,
you were a beautiful mess.
I longed for our lips to brush,
tight squeeze and soft caress.
I don't know you yet,
but hold me again.


(Originally posted on June 1, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar

Cephalalgia

Cephalalgia

A violent tingling begins,
pulsing and crashing through my veins.
An insane amount of affliction,
that I find quite hard to explain.

Behind the eye, down the bridge,
and descending straight into my teeth.
Shattering all train of thought,
a tremendous pounding dwells beneath.

Shutting up my senses,
simply too sick to speak.
A speechless tongue is rewarding,
when the body's grown so weak.

My skull is screaming silently,
as I wait for the next release.
Desperately scratching at my scalp,
this pain will never cease.

Intensity rises, pressure builds,
got no more time to kill.
Quick, I'm losing equilibrium,
the room refuses to stand still.

Two tiny white fellows,
have clearly caused cloudy perceptions.
They promised to take me to heaven, you see...
and what a dismal deception.

At the height of the high,
dreams seem so far away.
Numb limbs whisper to me,
as I feel my mind sway.

The world's biggest nuisance,
of unkindly mass proportions,
drowns me deep in drowsy dizziness,
while crying out many distortions.

The throbbing finally decides to subside,
and turns into slow tidal waves.
An ocean of hell festering in my brain,
doesn't give me the break my head craves.

So, please turn off the lights,
and eliminate all sound,
because never have I felt before,
a nightmare this profound.

It lives and dies in the temple,
every day and every night.
It's resurrection is old news to me,
but what's always fresh is the fright.

Bringing me down, wringing me out,
ol' grey matter has no say.
But the force just keeps on truckin',
and there it will always stay.

Neurologically raped with an invisible razor,
day in and day out.
Like a leech, it's sucked me dry of energy,
and brought forth a painful drought.

Stabbing me, shoving me,
hating me, loving me,
choking me, provoking me,
breaking me, shaking me,
waking me, taking me...

A violent tingling begins,
pulsing and crashing through my veins.
What is this, you ask?
...just a simple migraine.



(Originally posted on April 15, 2008, @ darkalchemystudios.deviantart.com)

© Caitlin Blair Cogar